Sympathy Gift Etiquette

When someone you know loses a loved one, such as a relative or spouse, being unsure of what to do or say is not unusual. We often ask ourselves, “How could a bouquet of flowers or a gift basket be enough during such a difficult time?” But despite our reservations, we can do many things to show the bereaved that they are loved, are in your thoughts, and, most important, are not alone.

My father died in 2006, and while I can’t recall who specifically sent flowers or sent or brought food while we sat shiva, I can distinctly remember the feeling of being cared for when we needed it most. It was like our friends and family were wrapping their arms around us and saying, “We got you.” 

Below are helpful sympathy gift etiquette tips with advice from grief coach Shelby Forsythia, for you to lend your support during a difficult time based on your relationship with the deceased.

Sympathy gift etiquette based on your relationship

Immediate family

If the deceased is an immediate family member, then larger, traditional pieces, such as funeral standing wreaths and hearts, standing crosses, large floral standing sprays, and casket flowers, are appropriate. Often, family members as a group will send one large piece or a combination of pieces. These large specialty floral pieces are often placed next to the casket.

Whether you're sending funeral standing sprays, funeral standing wreaths, or funeral standing baskets, know that these displays can often be catered to fit the personality of the deceased, making for a very personalized experience.

“For family members, the more personal the better,” says Shelby Forsythia, author of Your Grief, Your Way. “If you know they or the deceased person had a favorite color, send them a monochrome bouquet.” 

Personalizing a sympathy gift shows your family members that you took time and care to find something, especially for them or their loved ones. A personalized gift strengthens the emotional connection and gives added comfort to the recipient.

Friends

Sending flowers to the funeral home

Friendship, of course, has different levels, from good acquaintances to best friends. How close you were to the deceased may alter the sympathy gift you choose for those in mourning. Chipping in with a group of friends also will change your decision.

For close friends and large friend groups, standing sprays or abundant flower baskets to be displayed at the funeral service are a safe and thoughtful choice. For more casual friendships, sending a modest funeral flower arrangement for the service is a fine gesture.

“Before you make your decision, be sure you note any religious or cultural traditions that need to be honored,” Forsythia says. “For instance, Jewish people generally don't send or receive flowers for the death of a loved one. A more fitting gift would be a charity donation or a tree planted in the deceased person's memory.”

READ MORE: Sympathy and Funeral Etiquette for Different Religions

Sending sympathy gifts to the home

If you cannot attend the services, sending your condolences to the grieving family's home is generally appropriate. Traditional choices for a sympathy gift to the home include an elegant vase of flowers, basket arrangements, or sympathy plants. 

Sympathy gift baskets also are a popular and thoughtful gift to send to the home. Options for gourmet sympathy gift baskets of comfort food are plentiful, with everything from meat and cheese to cookies and chocolate.

Ultimately, whatever you decide to send, what will make the difference is the personalization, which is why you should always include a note. 

Forsythia says a note is a lovely and necessary addition to the gesture of a gift, as “it may be a source of comfort going forward.”For a friend you know intimately, she says to send a note that expresses your unique relationship and/or shares a story about the person who died.

READ MORE: What to Write in a Sympathy Card

Co-workers

Sending flowers to the funeral service

Flowers remind your co-worker that you’re thinking of them, creating a soothing gesture of love and support during a difficult time. Professional colleagues will generally send a group gift, such as a floral arrangement. The type of service and location of the funeral can help determine where to send flowers. For example, if the service is at a cemetery, send the flowers to the family's home. An appropriate floral arrangement for the service may be a standing spray, standing basket, or fireside basket.

Sending sympathy gifts to the home

In most cases, a note or card is appropriate and sufficient to express your sympathy to the family of a deceased work colleague. If you worked closely together, you might send a sympathy flower arrangement or dish garden. Fruit, food, or gourmet baskets are also appropriate and appreciated. 

Whatever you choose, sending a sympathy gift to the home of a co-worker is a lovely way to show them that you are thinking about their well-being during a challenging time.

Grand Sympathy Gift Basket

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"Thinking of You" Founders' Favorites Gift Box

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Sympathy Gift Tower

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Gourmet sympathy baskets and prepared meals

Gourmet food — whether baskets of individual snacks or full meals — is not just a thoughtful gift for those who are grieving but an especially considerate and convenient gesture. Sending food provides a sense of security and removes the stress of shopping for and cooking food.

Sympathy baskets are carefully designed to include wide selections of comfort foods, ranging from fresh fruits to gourmet cookies, suitable for the home of a grieving family or memorial service. Sympathy meals provide restaurant-quality entrees and side dishes to be enjoyed in the comfort of home. Each meal arrives fully prepared, making it easy to eat and feed guests during a difficult time.

Remember, though, that sending a sympathy gift to a friend, co-worker, or family member directly after the loss happens is only the first step. 

“For each of these relationships — friends, family, and co-workers — consider sending a larger, more personalized sympathy gift six months or even a year later, based on what you know they would appreciate,” Forsythia recommends. “Many grievers report that people who remember that they've experienced a loss are so precious, as it's a time when support from the rest of their network has fallen away.”